short funny affirmations

Dont worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet. Friends come and go, but enemies remain and build up. Short people with an umbrella. 60 Short & Funny Motivational Quotes to Laugh About - Wealthy Gorilla Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the journey. Of course, I talk to myself, sometimes I need expert advice. If I won the award for laziness, I would send somebody to pick it up for me. What starts with E, ends with E, and has only 1 letter in it? I hope you enjoyed this article on funny affirmations! I will shine like fireworks on the Fourth of July. The chains on my mood swing just snapped. 55. I dont think thats a coincidence., 3. 183. They have shown me exactly who I do not want to be., 15. The best things in life are free. Decomposing. 'If you would like to know the value of money, try to borrow some.'. 69 Funny Affirmations To Lighten Up Your Mood I just go normal from time to time. Why is England the wettest country? Walking into a room and then forgetting why I am here is my daily cardio. 195. 132. It will warm you twice unknown. This is a good thing because affirmations are supposed to be associated with happiness and positive emotions. Pampered cows produce spoiled milk. Since not all of us are blessed with the ability to throw a joke the right way, we thought of helping you out by giving you these ridiculously short funny quotes. Bill Murray It takes less time to do things right than to explain why you did it wrong. Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, 9. If you want flowers on February 14, plant them now., 6. The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits. Consider what you want to accomplish using these witty affirmations, and go for the ones that will bring you closer to that goal. 49. "When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.". "Life is like a roller coaster pic - scary at the moment, funny looking back.". Smile today, tomorrow could be worse. 215. Feel free to share with friends and family on Facebook, Tumblr, Instagram, WhatsApp, Twitter and more to motivate them every morning. 22. My goal this weekend is to move, just enough so people dont think Im dead. If we shouldnt eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge? 200. 41. 19. Some when they enter, some when they leave. He who wakes up early, yawns all day long. I give over my anxiety to God, knowing His peace will protect my heart and mind. 265. Envelope. Rodney Dangerfield, 198. In between, I am alive. Silence is golden, unless you have kids, then silence is just plain suspicious. The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one. Oscar Wilde, 5. 37. Sorry, I didnt pick up my phone, I got carried away dancing to the ringtone. When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer., 10. Can February march? With time, I have started to value more time. "I make people laugh, whether it's with me or at me.". The only power you have is the word no. I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldnt complain. To thrive in life you need three bones. My room is like the Bermuda triangle, stuff goes in and is never seen again. Envelope. You were too lazy to read that number. When they go away, its a brighter day. Bill Murray. 154. I heard a great joke about amnesia but I forgot it. It gets toad away. 2. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? 13. I train my body. I said no to drugs, but they just wouldnt listen. Leave me a if you agree! 231. 134. I have Alzheimers bulimia, first I eat everything in sight and then I forget to puke. Alright, get in the basket. My house was clean yesterday, sorry you missed it. I might go home today, but I will go bigger tomorrow. Need to send some positive energy your way? 198. The older I get, the more I start ignoring my friends. They log in. 204. My windows arent dirty, my dog is painting. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I cant see. Take some time each day to go through these funny affirmations for self-esteem and see how your mood shifts in response. 85 Funny Wednesday Quotes, Sayings, Pics, and Images - The Random Vibez Even if you miss, you'll land among the stars. To make time fly, throw your watch out the window. He said, 'So does the guy I stole it from.'" 277. Excuse me while I go on a ride on the porcelain steamer. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. can help you become successful in whatever you choose to do in life. Milton Berle, 245. Because he was always spotted. Today Im going to reach for the stars so that I can air out my armpits., 8. The early bird catches the worm, eats more and dies sooner. 165. If youre looking for a way to brighten your day and amp up your attitude, youve come to the right place. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way. Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. Work smarter, not for owning iPhones, but for not fearing their breaks. When you leave work on Friday, leave work. I deserve sugar, spice, and all things nice. Friends buy you food. But then again so does . Affirmations to wealth are a great way for you to organize your thoughts and develop a positive outlook. I am intelligent. The biggest critics of my books are the people who never read them. Remember, What consumes your mind, controls your life., 7. 248. Good morning! 166. 197. 23. 157. Whoever invented knock knock jokes should get a no bell prize. Loving yourself and believing in yourself is the first step in making these funny positive affirmations work for you. My diet for today: 1% food, 99% Halloween candy. I am grateful for all that I have. Im not weird, Im just limited edition. 6. Here are the 200 best sarcastic quotes, from funny comments, sayings, and phrases dripping with snarky sarcasm. Walter Bagehot. 270. 221. When nothing is going right, go left. See more ideas about sarcastic, funny quotes, funny. You kill vegetarian vampires with a steak to the heart. "Start each day with a positive thought and a grateful heart.". 246. Never judge a book by its movie. Dont make me laugh, Im trying to be mad at you. What better way to do that than through your own self-talk? Sometimes these surprises are way too spectacular and sometimes way too tragic. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? 126. Exercise? To conclude this list of funny affirmations, heres a few that are specifically focused around work. Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city. 1. 124. When life gives you melons, you could be dyslexic. Learn sign language, its very handy. 75 Powerful Affirmations for Self-Love - Fun Loving Families Affirmations can be written in a journal, spoken out loud, or visualized as a conversation between you and money. I am lazier after accomplishing the motive. 2. My cankles will hold me. 26. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. "You have to be odd to be number one.". "Have a great Wednesday. Why was six scared of seven? I try to see the funny side of every situation. Im not arguing, Im just telling you why youre wrong. My body deserves healthy food and exercise, not junk food or laziness. 117. You can think about your affirmations at work, while driving, when you practice yoga, and when you spend time with your . I dont think thats a coincidence. You might enjoy: Affirmations: 13 Answers You Should Know. Cry a river. 180. Dear universe, Im totally open to all of the amazing things coming my way., See also: 120 Best Spiritual Universe Quotes To Contemplate Life. 167. Im not running away from hard work, Im too lazy to run. Your values become your destiny. Whats the difference between a guitar and a fish? 89. 122. Why cry for someone when you can laugh next to someone else? Monday I shall slay thee with me mighty cup of coffee. Top 40 Best Funny Affirmations To Make Your Day (2023) Positive affirmations kind of set the way how your day will flow. 177. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasnt seen my big screen TV. 1. 159. 1. I have a lot to offer. Im sorry that Im not updating my Facebook status, my cat ate my mouse. Its not important to win, its important to make the other guy lose. Relationships these days start by pressing LIKE on her photo. Friday Affirmations. Run. If you want to catch a squirrel just climb a tree and act like a nut. Every time I like the taste of the food, I am damn sure that its unhealthy for me. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); Should I Send My Child to Therapy? I put my phone in airplane mode, but its not flying. I dont have everything I want, but I have all I need. 175. 73. 87. Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Forget the butterflies, I feel the entire zoo in my stomach when Im with you. 66. I lost some weight once, but I found it again in the fridge. Affirmations for wealth can be a great way of getting your thoughts in order and creating a positive outlook. 115. If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blanket back to your side. 241. For the best seat in the house, youll have to move the dog. I am at peace with my body and accept it as it is. Yes, officer, I saw the speed limit, I just didnt see your car. Im not insulting you. I am intelligent. 9. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. Why cant you trust an atom? Lifes biggest struggle: I need to pee, but I dont want to get out of bed. 113. 2. How do you count cows? 278. It has nothing new to tell you. 82. Snowballs. 194. I have no time to worry; I have to be awesome., 15. 90 Funny Affirmations To Start Your Day With Laughter Sam Levenson They allow you to focus on the positive and what is working in your life rather than dwelling on the negative. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen? I eat cake because its someones birthday somewhere today. 275. George Burns, 253. Flip Wilson 147. If you cant laugh at your own problems, call me and Ill laugh at them. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? 97. 44. 43. Im not here to judge, Im just pointing out all the mistakes youre making. 127. 63. Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet, miss a car payment. 254. Run. Whats the best thing about Switzerland? 110 Positive Funny Affirmations To Make You Smile Daily - The Random Vibez Choose a job you love and youll never have to work a day in your lifebecause that field isnt hiring. If nothing is impossible is it possible for something to be impossible? 53. 77. The best way for me to appreciate my job is to imagine myself without one. 270. Square box, round pizza, triangle slices, now thats confusing. The Only 100 Positive Affirmations You Will Ever Need 32. Nothing, they just waved. 148. 26. 143. Stop playing with me., 6. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if youre one of them (I bet you are), youre going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm. 110. I am not only pretty but also pretty awesome, pretty smart, and pretty kind. Whether youre saying the affirmations aloud or writing them down, laughing along will only strengthen their effect. 27. Funny Affirmation - Etsy Youre basically a houseplant with complicated emotions., 11. 62. I wonder, do we lazy people go to heaven or do they send someone to pick us up? If you have crazy friends you have everything youll ever need. Send me the link. I dont need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning. 214. Today, I acknowledge the time I have spent over the week. The library, because it has so many stories. To the guy who created imaginary numbers in math: I hate you. Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it. - Irish Saying. What is the tallest building in the entire world? 227. Why did the school kids eat their homework? - Benjamin Franklin. Make it inspiring. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. What do you get when you cross a fish and an elephant? IRS: Weve got what it takes to take what you have got. Because he was always spotted. I receive what I believe. 50. 187. 33. 94. Today is a great day. 261. 'Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.'. 5. Never let your best friends get lonely, keep disturbing them. 35. 169. 7. No matter how bad it gets, Im always rich when I go to the dollar store. I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. 48. 60 Happy Friday Funny Memes Day of the Week - FunZumo A backbone. I am full of vitality. 192. Without further ado, lets look at 20 funny affirmations to build your self-esteem. If you enjoyed reading these funny positive affirmations, make sure to bookmark this page for future reference, and share your favorite affirmations with your friends and family. "I am becoming humorous day by day.". Hi! 1. 9. So far, so good. Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield., 10. No beauty shines brighter than that of a good heart., 4. 110. Positive mindset affirmations. My dream job would be the Karma delivery service. Not a peli-cant. 164. I am sorry not everyone will have the pleasure of knowing me. 100. 205 Hilariously Funny Quotes For Work To Make You Chuckle I intend to live forever. And their purpose certainly isn't to minimize hard feelings. Focus on the positives and be grateful. "Today will be a great day". Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wifes mother. 31. 39 funny positive affirmations. Im multitasking: I can listen, ignore and forget at the same time. 101. God's promises are here to give you perfect peace, good news, renew your strength and reveal the will of God in your life. 12. You can simply try out one of our funny options, or think of affirmations that best match your sense of humor. If you were able to believe in Santa Claus for 8 -9 years, you can believe in yourself for at least 5 minutes. Say "Thank You" - A Motivational Video On The Importance Of - YouTube I cant make everyone happy, Im not tequila. The only power you have is the word no. Honolulu, its got everything. I get it nowIm single because Im a superhero., See also: 140 Single Quotes For Instagram Celebrating Single Life. 279. I only check my voicemail to get rid of the annoying little icon. 269. I solemnly swear that I am up to no good. "A moment of patience in a moment of anger saves you a hundred moments of regret. "After 30, a body has a mind of its own.". Discover funny affirmations 's popular videos | TikTok 225. 148. Life is a game full of little and big surprises. Sarcasm is a tool of highly intelligent people and if you're one of them (I bet you are), you're going to love these funny affirmations that are filled with humor and sarcasm.I'm sure you've heard a lot about affirmations, what they do and why you should start using them daily.They are a powerful to. I am transforming into someone who is outgoing and makes others laugh. You can only be young once. I dont go crazy, I am crazy. 275. 159. If I want a squirrel to like me, I guess I gotta act like a nut. 30 Short Daily Affirmations for Living Your Best Life - Healing Brave Following my intuition and my heart keeps me safe and sound. I am thankful for all those difficult people in my life. You can't wait for inspiration. I will tell the negative voice inside my head to shut up. Today, I am thankful for this week. I enjoy every minute of it. 72. Dont drink to forget me, youll end up seeing me double. 115. East I might take a nap if I get tired, but I wont quit. Jackie Collins, 240. 1. If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. 104. Your email address will not be published. You cant have everything, where would you put it? If you cant remember my name, just say chocolate and Ill turn around.. 262. I am passing all the things and hardships with a smile. The thing is, Im still getting ready. You never run out of things that can go wrong. 272. I always dream of being a millionaire like my uncle. 119 Positive Affirmations For Women To Use Daily - Live Bold and Bloom I hate Mondays, Tuesdays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, and half of Fridays. Quotes To Inspire You (MLK), 80 Life Gets Better Quotes To Brighten Your Day (Hope), 50 Bad Luck Quotes When You Feel Ill-Fated. I am loving all the bad experiences because they are giving me something . Think about all the things you're struggling with in your life. "It's going to be hard, but hard does not mean impossible.". Lord, keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth., 9. I didnt fall, Im just spending some quality time with the floor. avoid carbs. If lying was a job some people would be billionaires. Whenever I get back home, I lose all the superpowers that I had when with friends. 273. Relax, its the weekend, just dont blink or it will be all over. Lottery: a tax on people who are bad at math. But this shouldnt be a problem, as you can come up with your own humorous affirmations. 94. Send me the link. If you steal from one author, its plagiarism; if you steal from many, its research. I like expensive things because I learn the act of taking care from them. 131. 272. 232. There comes a time when you have to stop crossing oceans for people who wouldnt even jump puddles for you., 13. I am grateful for the healing power of humor. "Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. Albert Einstein You deserve it! I am sorry not everyone will have the pleasure of knowing me., 14. 3. 24. 26. 102. 91. Albert Einstein. If you feel like todays not your day and the best thing would be to stay in bed, Ive got something that will cheer you up. My body deserves love. And get over it. As you walk down the fairway of life you must smell the roses, for you only get to play one round. Lily Tomlin, 242. Bill Murray. 40 Short Positive Affirmations + Free Printable - Dare Your Lifestyle 84. And a funny bone. 120. 277. 229. Smiles are contagious, be a carrier. 4. As an Amazon Associate we earn from qualifying purchases. When I grow up to be a parent, my children will think the same about me. At night, I cant fall asleep. A bargain is something you dont need at a price you cant resist. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. 7. 116. 199. Short people with an umbrella. Yeah, so is a grenade. Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow as well., 13. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. 78. I did it! When shit hits the fan at work, I turn it into fertilizer. Ensure that your actions match your words. 125. 18 Funny Positive Affirmations to Get Through Your Shitty Day I am lazy till I get a motive. Start as soon as you wake up in the morning. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. I believe in what's possible for me. Friends buy you food. Im a work in progress without a completion date., See also: 120 Ultimate Best Quotes About Progress To Fuel Your Growth. Marriage is like a walk in the park, Jurassic Park. 46. Frances McDormand, 42. 175. I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot. Theres life without Facebook and internet? I did not trip and fall. 72. 1. Revenge sounds so mean, thats why I prefer to call it Returning the favor.. Affirmations are a great way to change your mindset. 206. But a little chocolate now and then doesnt hurt. 212. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me., 8. Choose words that make you feel confident about yourself. Jonathan lockwood huie. I may not know karate, but I know crazy and Im not afraid to use it. These affirmations are funny, humorous, witty and sarcastic for work, friends, family, mom, to boost your self-esteem, confidence and strength. 213. I can create positive change in the world. Its okay if people dont like me. 209. My wallet is like an onion, opening it makes me cry. Groucho Marx. Its okay, he woke up. The most important aspect is being honest with yourself and opting for a meaningful statement. 226. 10 Funny Affirmations That Will Put A Smile On Your Face - QuoteReel Remember: Dont Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river. Ive got three bones. Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love. What is the tallest building in the entire world? , we dont need our internal dialogue to pile on too. "Change is not a four letter word but often your reaction to it is!". Enjoy! Wake up and smell the birdshit on your windshield. 191. 116. 188. 154 Short, Positive Affirmations that are Easy to Remember Life doesnt have any hands, but it can sure give you a slap sometimes. 64. 141. You cant have everything, where would you put it? Helen Giangregorio Next up is a collection of funny affirmations that will make you love yourself more. I am willing to ask for help when it serves my growth. If Monday had a face, I would punch it. 21. Ive been doing nothing for years. We need to hear a pin drop. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Whether its at other people or at ourselves, its good to laugh in life. Charles M. Schulz My farts aren't nearly as bad as my dogs'. "Disconnect to connect.". I understand people talking about me. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case were having cake. 45. 260. You can make friends and have good relationships if you believe in your sense of humor and fill your mind with funny and positive thoughts. "Who you are inside is what helps you make and do everything in life". Im not lazy, Im just very relaxed. I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. The most important thing to remember when using positive affirmations is that it is all about how you feel. My funny vibes attract my happy tribe. Im lovely because everyone likes me more than Monday morning!, 7. 196. Life is always rocky when youre a gem. I am just making myself capable enough to live in the moment. 139. Jun 19, 2018 - Explore Jamie Hadland's board "funny/sarcastic affirmations" on Pinterest. 233. Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. My imaginary friend thinks he has problems. 182. Youll probably grin or laugh if you say these affirmations aloud, thinking youre crazy. Art doesnt transform. Erma Bombeck 136. I didnt want to interrupt her. Pat Sajak Im sorry, but thats just the way I am. People wont be going to bed thinking about that one bad joke you made. Alison Boulter Im in desperate need of a 6-month vacation, twice a year. 105. My six pack is protected by a layer of fat. 9. I teach my kids good things in sarcastic ways. I attract the right people and repel the wrong ones. Dont give up on your dreams so soon, sleep longer. I love my job only when Im on vacation. Whenever I clean my closet I take a GPS with me, so I can find my way back. Required fields are marked *. Use them as a tool to boost your self-esteem and productivity, as well as to overcome procrastination and complete all assigned tasks. Any text will do. 155. I dont suffer from insanity. Not saying I hate you, but if your face was on fire and I had a glass of water, Id drink it. Only two more days until Friday.". I dont need anger management, you just need to stop making me angry. Heres a giant list of funny affirmations to help you relax your mind with a little humor when youre stressed. 217. The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep. I am changing all my useless things into something productive by working on them. I havent talked to my wife in three weeks. It equates "weight loss" with thoughts like: I can. Its not easy staying motivated for work all the time. 90. 199. When the past comes knocking, dont answer. We all need a little energy boost here and there. In between, I am alive. Funny positive affirmations do work. Work smarter, not for owning iPhones, but for not fearing their breaks., 3. Steven Alexander Wright Im old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyway. Nine out of ten people love chocolate, and the 10th person is always lying. 26. Life always offers you a second chance. Dont worry, the spider is smaller than you. 236. I never apologize. I believed in Santa Claus for 10 years. So with that being said, heres a list of funny affirmations. 79. Every day, read them aloud for the best results. Why cant you trust an atom? I am already great, and I am yet to reach my full potential. It's OK to take a break. What happens to a frogs car when it breaks down? Every day I am devoted to my passions and dreams. Papercut: A trees final moment of revenge. If everyone knew what I was thinking, I would get punched in the face a lot. Then you stand in front of the mirror, take a deep breath in, open your mouthwait, this is funny. Laughter has always been lauded for its therapeutic effects. 103. Hes dreaming too. I hope you have a ridiculously amazing day. Art doesnt transform. Chris Rock A best friend is like a four leaf clover, hard to find, lucky to have. Why did the can crusher quit his job? Below youll find a collection of funny affirmations for work that will help you stay motivated and fight the work stress more efficiently. 55. 63. Amidst all the stress, anxiety and worries, a smile can help you brighten your day. 8. The thing is, I am still getting ready. I dont need you to remind me of my age at work, I have a bladder that will do that for me. If the funny affirmations that Ive put together dont break your cool, then feel free to throw on a comedy special on Netflix or Youtube when you feel stressed. 155. Ill start this journey with my 10 favorite funny affirmations that never fail to make me laugh. Swimming trunks. Whoever said great things come in small packages hasnt seen my big screen TV. What do you call a bear with no teeth? 2. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again? A mind is like a parachute. 18. Billy Wilder. Save my name, email, and website in this browser for the next time I comment. Dont forget that you get 24 hours, even on your worst day. 182. I am lazy till I get a motive. I nourish my body every day. Description for this block. I said yes, which turned out to be the right answer. It changes your perception and these short positive affirmations have a way of changing the way you look at yourself and feel more confident. They say dont try this at home so Im coming over to your house to try it. You might undoubtedly relate with them, and yet you will not feel laid back because of your weaknesses. 60. Be strong, I whispered to my WiFi signal. Granted, it can be challenging to write affirmations, especially if you havent done it before. 170. I just go normal from time to time. Subscribe To Our Newsletter! Superwoman: single. 119. Enjoy! Boost your ego and narcissism in as little as 5 minutes per day and set yourself up for success. 100 Funny Monday Quotes and Sayings - Inside Of Happiness 186. 141. Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. Its alright if you dont agree with me, I cant force you to be right. Bill Murray Live life to the fullest. Hmmm, this text message is a little too harsh, Ill add LOL at the end. So, why not team them up? Being funny seems to be taking less effort. Once youve chosen one of our affirmations or devised your own, its time to put it into practice. 47. 13. 45 Self-Compassion Affirmations to Practice when Feeling Low.